Working Mum guilt. This is one major problem a lot of mothers face. It crops up almost every time I have a consultation call with a mum. I even experience it myself.

Statistics show that the No. 1 emotion working mothers struggle with is guilt.

I think women generally and not just mums tend to have the “guilt gene”. How many times do you hear of “man guilt”, or “working dad guilt”?

Many mums who work a 9 to 5 job or are in business sometimes feel because they are not always physically present with their children 24 hours a day, she is at fault for whatever issues arises with her children.

This controversial issue even occurs in the church.

Some preachers bang on about how a mother’s place should be at home with her children. Some Christian circles strongly believe a working mum can’t possibly be as good at parenting as her stay-at-home counterpart, and that her children can’t become well-adjusted adults.

The working mum is judged and is widely believed that she cannot have it all.

Even the mum who works from home gets judged. Society expects her to pour her whole live into her children and to put her life on pause.

There seems to be a lot of blame going round. Sadly the working mum bares the largest brunt of it.

Today let’s discuss the elephant in the room and eradicate working mum guilt once & for all.

It is time to ditch the guilt.

What causes working mum guilt?

Here are some reasons on why we tend to feel guilt as mothers.

1. A natural instinct of being a mother and the expectation of others of what you should do or not do as a mother.
2. Being too busy and not spending enough time with the children
3. Not making enough money to cater for the children’s needs
4. Being impatient and tired
5. Something someone else said about your parenting style especially another mum
6. Trying to find the right balance between work and family

The daily mail also states the top 15 worries and the other worries we have as mothers.

This list shows me there is a link between worry and guilt. And we sure know how we mums tend to worry A LOT.

 

If you observe this list very well, you will see that most of the items on the worry list is pressure we put on ourselves or pressure from others. Which one of these items do you identify with?

We will now go on to address how to deal with this deadly emotion: guilt. 

 

Steps to dealing with working mum guilt

We address this topic extensively in one of the modules in the Super Working Mum Academy but I will share 6 out of 9 key steps with you today.

1. Seek God’s will

As christian mums our foundation is in God. Our very existence, our very being is in Him. He created us! He knows what is best for us.

Therefore the wisest thing to do is to ask God what he wants you to do with your life and then it won’t matter what anyone else says. Write it down as a reminder when critics come your way telling you what they think you should be doing.

Once you know you are where God wants you, the issue of guilt shouldn’t arise anymore. Sure, the devil will try and discourage you with negative thoughts, making you to second guess yourself. However, keep reminding yourself of what God wants of you and stick to it.

Hard I know, but isn’t it better to be in God’s will than to be on your own?

Does God want you to start a business from home? Does he want you to be more involved in your community or kingdom work? Only you can answer that question.

Also if God wants you to stay in your career don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman having a career. Or it could be that God wants you to have your career and run a business at the same time.

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you as long as you are in God’s will.

 

2. What is your Vision?

Having a vision for your life and family keeps you on track and focused even when everything seems to be going wrong around you.

Anytime you have to make a decision concerning your life, a career move, change in job, starting a business or anything pertaining to work; ask yourself- Is this moving me closer to my vision or further away? Then you will know the right thing to do.

 

3. Check your attitude

Attitude is everything. Some mothers feel their children resent them for working outside of the home. However the issue isn’t usually being employed. Instead, it is the attitude of the mother.

A study found that if mothers resented working out of the home, then their children will sense this and have problems with it, too. On the other hand, mothers who were more or less happy and contented with working had stronger relationships with their children.

Once you have figured out where God wants you to be, be happy and always keep a positive attitude. Every day won’t be all rosy and dandy and this is where your attitude determines a lot. Set your attitude every morning before you begin your day.

If you are in full time employment, be thankful and happy for your job. Stop grumbling and complaining about your job. If you work from home or run a business, be grateful for the opportunity. Make the best use of it.

Whatever the case, have a winning attitude. When you are at work focus on work and do your best, everything will be fine with your children. You can only be in one place at any given point so focus on the now and what you are doing.

When you are at home focus on enjoying time with your children.

 

4. Self care

Motherhood involves trying to balance your children’s needs and your needs. You will probably do a better job with parenting when your own needs are met, so don’t neglect yourself.

Also you will be showing your children you are not a doormat and mummy is to be respected. Mummy has a life! Yes you do!

When you begin to take time out for yourself, your husband (if you are married) and children will begin to respect that time.

This is part of the reason I run yearly retreats for working mums. A purposeful time for mummy to have some me time.  

Growing up my mum went on regular retreats and we all knew not to mess with that time. It was mummy’s time.

Don’t let guilt get in the way of you taking time out for yourself. It is not a selfish act but a necessary act to help you take care of your family.

As part of your self care, remember to spend time with God as he is the source of your strength. Read books, go for a massage, go for a spa session, hang out with your friends, do what YOU LOVE!

 

5. Stop comparing yourself with other mums

Ah! this is one thing I know many of us do. The Bible says he who compares himself to another is not wise (2 Corinthians 10:12).

There is no one right way to raise children. God’s vision for your family is different to that of your neighbour’s. 

Our parenting styles and our type of work will differ so there is no point comparing yourself to your neighbour.

Your circumstances are different. It is possible that your neighbour’s husband is wealthy enough to cover all the bills of the home so his wife doesn’t have to work at all.

Or your friend has decided to quit her job to run a business and can now attend all sort of school activities.

Or the other mums in your children’s school look at you funny as you only turn up once every 6 months for PTA meetings.

See that’s their issue not yours.

You know what you are about.

You have sought God’s face and you are in His will doing what he has called you to do. Focus on that and not what other mums are doing. Your journeys are different.

If someone tells you how they feel you SHOULD be running your family or running your life, say thank you and keep it moving. They can usually only advise you based on their own circumstances.

If you are not happy about your work situation then that’s a different case so go back to point one, ask God what he wants you to do.

 

6. Get support from other working mums

Sometimes I think we mums set ourselves up nicely to fail which leads to guilt. We want to do EVERYTHING by ourselves. We sometimes feel we have super powers to save the day and when that doesn’t happen we feel disappointed and guilty, saying to ourselves it is all my fault.

No woman is an island.

I find strength when I have support from other working mums going through similar challenges.

I can achieve much more when I have support and provide support.

We can’t do it all…yes we can do all things through Christ but only those things he has called us to do. 

Also remember to be ready to give help as well. Don’t just keep asking and asking.

Be ready to help others when they need your help.

Offer to help without even being asked.

This is also largely what the Super Working Mum Academy is about (apart from the training and courses provided) to give and get the support we need from other like minded Christian mums …when the days are hard and everything doesn’t seem like it is working, the ladies in the SWM Academy can provide the objectivity required at that point.

Good news! There is an opportunity to apply to join the Super Working Mum Academy in December for just three days (Dec 19 to Dec 21).  Be the first to join the waiting list and get some amazing perks just for those who join the waiting list.

Join the waiting list here

 

So tell me do you experiencing working mum guilt? How do you deal with guilt?