Saying No to the demands people place on us is not as hard as it seems.
There is a principle I found that I would like to share with you.
“When someone throws a ball at you, you don’t have to catch it” <–Click here to tweet this.
Sometimes at work or even at home, people in our lives throw all kinds of balls at us and we believe it is our duty to catch them all.
“Balls” come in form of activities such as assisting a friend with a project, working on a report for your boss, running errands for husbands and or family members; attending functions… the list can be endless.
Why Is it Hard to Say No?
A lot of women see themselves as heroes and enjoy the feeling of being needed. However when we keep coming to the rescue of others we sometimes begin to feel resentful, stressed and then blame them for taking advantage of us or for not giving us the respect we deserve.
It’s like a vicious cycle- we want to please everyone yet we are not happy because we feel manipulated and tired…very tired.
Before I continue, please note that I am not saying we should never be available to help our family, colleagues, children etc. However what I AM saying is that we are responsible for our actions and contrary to general belief, we mums do have a choice!
If we want to be productive and manage our time successfully with minimal stress then we need to learn how to say no. That way, we don’t blame others for taking up our time if we made the choice to be available in the first place.
We need to always remember that when we choose not to “catch the ball”; the ball thrower will bounce his or her ball to someone else who eventually will catch it (shows you are not the only one in the world that can help).
So why do we find it hard saying no:
- We do not want to hurt the feelings of others as saying no is sometimes seen as a sign of rejection. Most people take “no” as an offense and feel rejected which might lead to resentment
- It matters to us what our family, colleagues or boss think about us and we don’t want to taint that “hero” image
- We do not want to be seen as rude, unkind and unwilling to help. We don’t want to appear difficult and uncooperative so we say yes lest we alienate others from us
- In some cultures it is considered rude to say no especially to someone older. This notion can be hard to change.
- Fear of loosing a client. Sometimes our clients place unnecessary demands on us, call us at ungodliness hours of the day but because we do not want to lose out on an opportunity or because we have been taught to believe that the “customer is king” we find it hard to say no.
Practical Tips on Saying No
I have found that saying no does not mean you reject the person it simply means you reject the task given to you. By learning to say no appropriately, you earn the respect of people. People begin to place value on your time.
So how do you say a firm no when you need to. I have presented 5 effective tips below:
Be sympathetic but firm in your tone. You could say “I am sorry but unfortunately I cannot help you” and give a reason why. Maybe something like “because I am swamped right now”.
The person might push back and say something like “oh but it won’t take you long to do this”. It doesn’t matter if it will take just 5 minutes, that is 5 minutes out of your already busy schedule.
Simply repeat what you said earlier- “I am sorry but I cannot help you because I am swamped right now” with no further explanation. Once you begin to add anything further you are opening up room for negotiation and further discussions, which is eating up into the time you don’t have!
Stick to your one liner and continue with your work. The person will eventually give up when they see you will not budge.
Take a step back. Being assertive takes time so practice step 1 whenever you can. However if you are not comfortable with being firm or the person you are dealing with is bossy try this approach.
Tell them you need to check your schedule and get back to them. This does two things for you- gets you away from giving an answer under pressure and also gives you time to check if this is something you can fit into your schedule.
If you can, great! if you can’t, let them know you can’t help right away. Remember, saying no could also mean “no to the timing of the request” and not a no to the actual request; so if you can help with the request but not immediately, let the person know when you will be available – you will be helping on your own term.
Be kind and supportive while saying No. If someone wants u to join a project or initiative and you know you won’t have the time, let them know you love their idea but gently let them know that “due to prior commitments you can’t take it on board”.
Knowing that you love the idea will serve as an encouragement to them and lessen the disappointment of you saying no.
Establish clear business hours and stick to it. Make it clear to your clients when you are open for business or not.
Put your phone on silent when you are not working or do not want to be disturbed. Call them back during your “business hours” and explain to them what times you are available to attend to business.
This will help you set boundaries and reduce stress.
Don’t be a “know-it-all”. If the request is not within your area of expertise, don’t be a hero and take it on board.
Let them know you are not the best person to help and if you know someone that can help refer them to that person.
Saying No Takes Practice
Saying no becomes easier with time, the more you learn how to say no the better you become at it.
Please don’t just say no for the sake of it, take each request on a case-by-case basis and then decide what you need to do.
By learning to say no appropriately, you create more time for your work which increases your productivity. This in turn helps reduce stress!
Mums, how do you say no? I would love to hear your tips, so feel free to share in the comments section below.
